RE: Before We Go Any Further
The past few days, Los Angeles has been bright and sunny. Its warm weather has enticed its citizens to greet one another as they bask in the Summer heat and meander in and out of air-conditioned businesses and eateries. The few clouds that have been unable to resist taking to the skies have been left to drift over a crystal-clear backdrop that slowly fades to pastel pinks and peach tones as evening draws nearer. Even the traffic has seemed smoother than the mandated bumper-to-bumper I am accustomed to trudging through on my commute home. Surrounded by all these things, it's hard not to feel as if the City Of Angels is playing all her best cards, willing me to stay, or, at the very least, question my decision to go.
I would be lying if I said it wasn't working. I do not want anyone who plans to keep up with this adventure to think that I have not had second thoughts or that it is a choice I take lightly. I know with every fiber of my being that moving to the UK is what I need to do, but that does not mean it will be easy. I am letting go of an entire life in exchange for a new one. And while I know I will be able to keep hold of the most beloved and important pieces from this chapter, that does not mean it isn't scary.
This morning, I signed a lease for a flat in South London and then spent my entire drive to work debating whether this whole escapade is a sensible decision. (Spoiler alert: It's not, but I have never really been known for my rationality.) To be completely honest, with each piece that falls into place, the stronger my anxiety becomes. Once everything comes together, the only thing able to stop me from boarding the plane is me. As my autonomy increases, so does my ownership over the impending consequences, which is a lot of responsibility.
Like most of the world, I saw Barbie Saturday. At its most simple and non-spoilery, it is the story of a woman who journeys from one place to another. If you have seen it, saying it hit home would be an understatement. The film felt like a warm hug. The longer I sit with it, the more assured of my resolutions I become.
No matter what happens, I know this experience will only allow me more space to grow into the person I am meant to be. It will teach me new life lessons and shape me in ways I cannot even begin to imagine. I haven't even gotten past the main title of this movie, and already I have learned more about bravery and the emotions that coincide with it than I ever thought I would. Fear is part of this process, but so is courage. There is a certain kind of strength to be found in embracing apprehension, in understanding the risk but pressing forward anyway.
Over the next six months, I am sure there will be plenty of opportunities to exercise this new muscle. There are also likely to be moments of happiness, joy, sadness, loneliness, excitement, apprehension, hope, disappointment and everything in between. Jumping into the unknown and the possibility of those feelings is just part of what makes this an adventure.
For the most part, I am extremely excited about the chapters of my story that will be written in England, but I wanted you also to know that alongside that, at times, I am terrified in equal measure, and that is okay. Emotions make us human, so close your eyes...and feel.
<3,
Sydney
